We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
