someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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