the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
