she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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