mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
