I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
