u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
