I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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