Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
