did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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