Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
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