Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Randomize
