Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Please don't give away my fajitas
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
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