my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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