I just made out with a guy for $7.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
