my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
