According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
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