if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
