The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
