On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Randomize
