I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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