when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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