The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize
