one word: firstdatebathroomanal
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
