i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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