i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Randomize
