so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
