So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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