Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
