You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
