i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
