I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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