Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Randomize
