I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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