my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
