That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
