Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
