come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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