So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Randomize
