can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
