so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
