got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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