I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
