I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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