Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I pour the whiskey from now on
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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