The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
