booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
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