Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I'm passing your future prison.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
