he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
