all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
How many fucks given?
0.12846
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