I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
