chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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